“Hi Jenni. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 6 months now and we’ve been together for 3 years. I love living with him and we’re really happy together but there’s one thing that’s making me feel uneasy and I don’t know how to fix it. Basically, my boyfriend expects me to do all the housework because he earns almost twice as much as me. We’re renting at the moment but we’d like to buy eventually, and he says that he’s worked really hard to get to where he is now and will be paying most of the deposit on the house we buy together. I feel bad because I’ll never be able to earn as much as he does, but that doesn’t mean I don’t work hard too. I’m sick of having to do all the housework and clean up after him. I feel like a 1950s housewife but in all other aspects of our relationship he’s amazing! And I know that without him, I’d never be able to buy my own place. I’m torn between feeling like I should be grateful and feeling like I’ve got the raw end of the deal”
First of all, I want you to throw the idea that you should be grateful right out the window. I also want you to stop thinking about whether or not you could buy a property without this man. His ability to help you become a homeowner isn’t a good enough reason to stay with him if he does other things that make you unhappy.
The fact that you’ve gone as far as sending me a message to ask for advice shows that this relationship is far from perfect. Although there may be aspects of the relationship that you are happy with, this is something that’s making you unhappy and you clearly want to fix things. If you continue to bottle this up, feelings of resentment will grow and grow and grow. That won’t be healthy for either of you.
I think the best thing you can do in this scenario is confront your boyfriend and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. That might sound scary but if you can’t discuss these matters together and work with one another to come to a conclusion where you’re both somewhat satisfied with the outcome, then buying a home together is not a good idea anyway.
I’m so tired of the idea that the more money a person earns, they harder they work, because it’s simply not the case. As far as I’m concerned, the amount you each earn shouldn’t play a role in the amount of housework you do. So sit your boyfriend down and tell it to him straight: you will not be playing the housewife role any longer.
You work just as hard as he does and the fact you’re not as generously compensated for your work does not mean you should do all the housework for him.
You’re not even asking for a lot here. All you’re asking is for him to clean up after himself.
If he won’t do that, tell him to use all that money he earns to hire a cleaner.
If he still insists on you doing the housework, quietly make sure you have enough money to pay rent on your own for a few months, leave him, and start afresh.
The more time you spend cleaning, the less time you’re going to have to focus on your own projects – whether that’s progressing your career, learning new skills or just doing things you love.
Although it’s important that you work together as a team to accomplish goals together, I fear that if your relationship was to end further down the line, you’d be left with very little, while he’d have made the most of your free labour to progress his career.
