Hi Jenni
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost 4 months and things are going great except for one thing… he’s not ambitious at all! While I’m training to be a solicitor, he’s content working at a supermarket. He doesn’t want anything else from life and no matter how much I try to encourage him to apply for better jobs, he’s not interested. He says he just wants to go to work every day and come home and forget all about it.
It’s really frustrating because he’s a talented writer and I know he could do so much more than he does. I’ve tried to overlook this lack of ambition and drive in the hope that he’ll suddenly become inspired to do something that pays better, but it really bothers me and I don’t know what to do.
Jodie
Hi Jodie
I’m not going to beat around the bush. If I was in your shoes, I hope I’d have the strength to end the relationship before things got more serious. I know that 95% of people reading this are gasping in horror at my suggestion. They’re probably calling me an evil and shallow bitch too. But hear me out…
At this moment in time, you and your boyfriend are financially incompatible.
Financial incompatibility is something that far too many of us overlook. We think that focusing on money in a relationship is shallow. We think that as long as we’re in love, money doesn’t matter. We assume that if we end a relationship because of monetary differences or misaligned career aspirations, everyone will think we’re gold digging bitches. Wrong.
Did you know that money differences are one of the leading causes of divorce? If love alone is enough to make relationships last and money is irrelevant when you care about someone, how come so many marriages break down due to debt troubles, conflicting spending habits, drastically different salaries, and general money resentment?
It doesn’t matter how crazy you are about each other, if your attitudes to money, work and career don’t align, things are not going to work out. Even if the relationship does last, chances are you’ll both be settling and wasting a significant portion of your relationship wishing for things to be different than they are.
Of course, our financial compatibility with a person can change throughout our lives and while you and your boyfriend are incompatible now, a few months or years from now this might not be the case. A year from now, he could be a writer at a marketing agency, a freelance journalist for his favourite magazine or a published author. But right now… all the signs are suggesting that this won’t happen. He is happy with the way things are and it is wrong for you to try and change him. It’s foolish to be in a relationship with someone when you want to change such a huge aspect of their personality and outlook on life.
Look… I’m not suggesting that all couples break up as soon as they disagree about something, but if you’re disagreeing on something so huge THIS early on in the relationship, I honestly don’t see the point in bothering. You’re only 4 months into the relationship and you already have a problem with the way he lives his life. Now is the time to jump ship. If you were married and this problem arose, it would make more sense to try and work through it. But you’re not married and so what’s the point in going through the aggro and wasting everyone’s time?
I’m also not suggesting that people with different attitudes to money are automatically incompatible. For example, a spender and a saver could have a completely harmonious relationship if they’re both happy with the way things are, they’re not trying to change one another, and they work together to make things work.
You’re not happy.
You’re trying to change your boyfriend.
You’re not working together to make things work and considering you both want completely different things (he wants to work at a supermarket and you don’t want him to work at a supermarket) I’m not completely sure it’s possible to find a middle ground at this moment in time. I mean, you could threaten to leave unless he starts freelance writing in his spare time, but who the hell would do that? That would be utterly ridiculous and manipulative!
Right now, you’re settling for less than you want and deserve. Not only is this unfair on you, it’s unfair on your boyfriend too. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that he’s settling just as much as you are! Whether he’s aware of your feelings or not, he’s in a relationship with someone who wants to change how he spends ~35 hours of his week, and that’s not fair. He deserves to be with someone who accepts his career and life choices and he deserves to be with someone who isn’t constantly pressuring him to apply for a different job.
I don’t know whether you’ll take my advice or not and it’s completely up to you, but from what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’d both be better off going your separate ways and finding people you’re better suited to. If things are meant to be, perhaps your paths will cross again in future and you’ll both be in a point in your lives where your dreams and ambitions align.
